Hey I am back. Alive, kicking and screaming like a loud-mouthed comedienne.
Some people tell me I should write a book about my dating life… I am seriously considering that. It has been a rollercoaster, an action-packed chick flick.
Yeah, to shortly recap the beginning of 2019, I have one word. The Biggest Mistake Ever.
Oops, that is 3 words and an article “the”. So in one word: SHIT. And as my newly found friend puts it, it doesn’t matter if it’s black or white, its still shit. I will keep this short, but I know this post has been long awaited.
I started a course in Digital Marketing and Sales (DIMMY) in the University of Applied Sciences in Oulu – OAMK. I am enjoying it a lot. I think I have found my calling! I now finally know, since a couple of years already, what I want to do and now its just setting up goals and working towards it.
I moved. I washed a lot of textiles and clothes to get the scent of pure evil out of my house. The dog and the cat are back to normal, relaxed selves, which is wonderful. I am blaming myself for letting them go through a stressful ordeal like that.
What I have learned about dating this year? A LOT. I have advised my girlfriends accordingly.
- You tell them something bad happened to you; they either downplay it or outright blame you for it (you should have been smarter, or maybe the evil had some sort of a reason to behave this way towards you. They suggest that maybe you deserved it somehow.) – it is the biggest red flag ever.
It tells that they have no empathy, or no capability of looking at another persons perspective. They most likely have psychopathic tendencies. There is no exceptions to this rule. (Ok, maybe if there is a gun pointed at them) Even if they are currently depressed and sad themselves, a healthy person always has a some LEVEL OF EMPATHY that resonates back. Trust me on this. You cannot fix this kind of person. RUN!
- Talking. No matter how much we are told that words cannot hurt you, you may still want to keep an eye and an ear for this type of behavior.
If you talk to him/her and they continuously get angry with you for TALKING to them about whatever it is that bothers you, it is a red flag. They may get aggressive, shout profanities, hurl insults and complain that you are bringing up issues that will cause problems in the relationship, it is a red flag. (in fact you do this out of love and concern and or you want to share your worry/feeling)
I have actually been told I was the cause of their high blood pressure, because I was talking about MY INSECURITY that I had with them. They may also say that you are trying to pick up a fight, or they may say you are sick/stupid/emotional/whatnot for bringing this issue up. If this happens, run sweetheart, run.
- Not talking. They stonewall. They say “I am not going to talk about this” or they tell you to shut up. It is a red flag. RUN.
- They are highly concerned what other people think about you and him/her. Or maybe they claim they are not at all concerned, but their behaviour tells a different story. Guess what?RUN, baby, run.
- Your cat/dog starts cowering down around them. Your pet is afraid of them. Honey, its time to pick your pet up and run.
- Addictive behaviour. Sex, alcohol, excessive mirror-watching, being overly concerned about their health/status/money/whatnot but then not having any realism in it. Like, they want to travel the world and they constantly talk about it, but are not making any effort towards education, work, getting more money to be able to travel or whatever. Talking to them about the faulty logic, makes you feel like you are reasoning with a 4-5 year-old.
No, let me correct that. A 4-year old does have the capacity of understanding causality, but this type of a person does not. You feel like you are talking to yourself. So… Listen to your gut feeling. Run.
- Ask if they are empathetic. They do not have a clue what it means. Or they say they are “normal” or “regular” or like “everyone else”. Because they are most afraid that you will notice that in fact, they are NOT like everyone else. They are different. They are abnormal, They are afraid that they are labeled “crazy”.
- Which brings me to my favourite point of all this. Crazy.
They say ex/friend/mother/spouse/someone is crazy. They keep insisting someone in their past/current life is crazy, but they have no intellect or capasity of specifying the type of crazy. In fact, they may claim there are several crazies in their life.
Honestly, if you have a problem personality in your life and you are like me, you are able to explain, determine and nitpick, what it is that makes them difficult or problematic. We do not just label them “crazy” and try to get away with having to explain it in more detail. We are able to specify and discuss, that maybe the person has ADD, bipolarity, other mental health issues, money issues, self absorbed personality, selfishness, or they have suffered a trauma, abuse which may even explain their weirdness. But this type of a evil person just blatantly refuses to go into detail and wants you to accept his/her definition of the problem whick is “this person is crazy”.
There is no such thing. And there is no “generally recognized craziness”. There are just situations, personalities, personality disorders, health and money issues and struggles. There is normal life. If someone tells you someone is just CRAZY, chances are it is the person him/herself who has some crazy bones in them.
LOL, ok we are all crazy on some levels, some more than others. But we who know ourselves, have no problem in admitting our shortcomings. In any case, run from everyone who skeep calling people around them with the general term crazy and they are the only person who is “sane”. Chances are, they are not. RUN!
The good stuff
On the other hand, I have found some marvellous people in my life. Empathy plays a crucial role in this. Solidarity is something I experienced in Africa for the first time in my life, in 2000. In Finnish you may have heard of “koko kylä kasvattaa” – a concept where the whole village is raising their village kids as if they were their own. We do not overlook someone making a mistake in their life or we do not reject support from them selfishly when someone is reeling with their steps. We quide, we support and we balance them. So, I have found solidarity among women. But I have also found some very nice men. Men who talk, appreciate and value us women as their equals. They do not try to mislead, cheat or abuse the women in their lives. I have also found the few bad seeds.
What I can be proud of is that I have been able to recognise some harmful behaviours. I am not saying that if a person decides to lie to you, they will lie to you and we cannot change that. But we can stay true to ourselves. And communicate.
I will be back with some other news later, in the meantime, lets Snapchat!